Nickels versus Big Apples

Greetings Holiday Celebrators! Yes, we are currently mid-holidays, what with the chipper cheerleader of Christmas in our rearview mirrors, and the wasted and roofied sorority girl of New Years laying in the road ahead (and the bespectacled lawyer of Hannukah shaking his head in full disapproval). And you know what that means: goin' home for the holidays! It is now time to get educational on yer butts. Since I had to travel to Buffalo to see the fam and parole officer, I was able to notice some key differences between the citezenry of the Nickel City versus that of the City That Never Sleeps. I have chronicled these observations. In list form. Because you're lazy! And here they be:

1. The majority of the homeless of New York are said to live in the abandoned subway and train tracks all along Manhattan. Buffalo has no abandoned subway tracks, so all the homeless live at the downtown library. That's the only way they have access to the Twilight series. You should see the "Team Edward" shirts they made out of garbage bags.

2. New York is full of snappy dressers! Oh, boy, so many places to shop (at American Apparel)! The fashionable of Buffalo tend to be mostly vintage, because they have no idea what the kids are wearing these days. Legend has it that all Buffalo area Hot Topics were burned to the ground when they ceased to carry wide-legged pants and button-down silk shirts with flames on them.

3. New Yorkers are always on the go. If you take a second to stop on the sidewalk to ask for directions, buy a hot dog, or immerse yourself in the long-time NYC tradition of going to the bathroom on the curb, you will get run over by a people train so intense and angry that you will lose all of your limbs before you can say "don't rip off my limbs!". Buffalo is the very opposite. If there is a crowd of people going somewhere, just stand and wait for them to put you on their shoulders. This is what we Buffalonians call the "Human Taxi". Just tell them where you're going, and they will get you there in no time flat. If you give them a destination, and they only respond with cheers and handing you a trophy, congratulations! You just won the big game!

4. Buffalonians live across the river from Canada, the nicest country on earth. New Yorkers live across the river from New Jersey, the state with the sharpest hair. Both regions have adapted by showering more often.

5. The cultural makeup of New York city is representative of every country in the world. Buffalonians are made up of the Polish, Italians, and Komodo dragons. Don't disturb us when we're sunning!

I hope that helped you make the right life-altering decision as to which city to move to, seeing as those cities were your only choices. So which side of the state is more awesome? GUESS WHAT! The CDC says it doesn't matter! So if you live in New York State, go ahead and move to Florida or something. I have heard that their alligator soup is wise and grandmotherly and that their old people are delicious. No, I said it right.